The Moiderer

Reading

The little one is 4 at the end of July. She loves loves loves her books.

We read to her a lot and we often find her curled up with a book. She’s getting better and better at ‘reading’ them.

At the weekend I was on my course and I did a Facetime video conference with the little one and the hubby. At one point I picked up my name badge and showed it to her asking “what does that say?”

“Dawn” she said. Just like that. The hubby and I were amazed.

Then when I came home the hubby said “let me show you her reading” and she then proceeded to read me the Ugly Duckling book. It was amazing. So I had to video it.

Here is my super proud mummy video.

The Gallery - Born to Run

Did that make you giggle? Not what you might associate with me is it? It’s the title of a brilliant book by Chris McDougall that has inspired me back to running.

Yesterday morning I threw on my tracksuit bottoms, grabbed a T-shirt from the cupboard and donned my sports bra. These days, that sports bra is the only thing I wear that is “running gear”. Since the marathon I have gone back to running in my scruffy clothes.

My Garmin Forerunner watch had run out of charge. So I grabbed my iPod, set up the Nike+ for 20 minutes of running and shuffle on songs and headed out for a run.

It was sunny and windy. There were puddles everywhere from all the rain over the last few days.

My head was full of thoughts that I needed to work through.

This is why I started running.

Just under a year ago I had my first Cognitive Hypnotherapy session with Trevor Silvester. It changed a lot. One of the big things that happened is that it unlocked my emotions. Something that I had always seen as dangerous – I had them locked safely away. As a result, as well as being able to feel true happiness for the first time, I was also increasingly moody, miserable and snappy.

I had a real problem with that. It was not how I saw myself. I spoke to Trevor about it and he suggested I take up yoga or even just go for a walk each day.

I am very lucky in that I live by a disused railway line. So I stepped out of the house the next morning and went for a walk. I had put on my trainers because I figured, if I was out anyway, then I may as well try and run a bit to get some exercise and help with weight loss. No-one would see me because we live in the middle of nowhere.

I walked and jogged a little. After seconds I was red faced and panting so I walked again. I walked to the end of the first bit of path and then back. Jogging for seconds at a time. I think that first outing took me about 28 minutes to do 1.2 miles.

But I turned it into a habit. Each day I put on my “running gear” when I got up instead of my clothes for the day. I didn’t make it a choice. Irrespective of the weather I went for a walk/run. Gradually increasing the running instead of walking. Eventually I tried for a longer run one day a week…getting up to 2 miles and thinking that might be the furthest I would ever managed.

I made it a habit because I hated it. But you see, running is one of the few things you can’t find an excuse not to do. It’s right outside my door. I don’t need equipment. I just run.

And things changed. My moods changed. I started the day positive and light with a sense of achievement. I found the endorphins I was getting from running carried me through the whole day and I lost my 2pm slump where all I wanted to do was sleep. I was no longer permanently tired – even if the little one had a terrible night.

Running was addictive.

And it was that path that led me to the marathon. But it was also that path that took away this feeling I was getting from running. Because I started running for a purpose. I had to run a certain way, a certain distance to train. I was no longer doing it to clear my head and I didn’t like that.

Marathon over. I’ve proved I can do that distance. There is nothing left to prove.

So yesterday morning I stepped out of my front door to clear my head. To get the endorphins to carry me through the day.

One foot in front of the other. As I set off feeling that usual doubt about how I can keep going. Running isn’t easy for me. It never has been and I suspect it never will be.

Up the small hill onto the path. I can see now the blue sky with the clouds. I can see the wind swaying the trees. A rabbit crosses my path as I recover my breath from the hill and find my pace on the uneven surface. On some mornings I would have no way of knowing how beautiful the sunrise was unless I went for a run.

“Just jog” I tell myself. “There is no hurry, just enjoy it”

I start to process everything in my head and soon forget how my body feels. I enjoy keeping my body occupied while my head does its job. Moments of insight flow in an out of my head and I occasionally notice what’s going on around me.

I struggle to breathe. I have started my return leg and the wind is blowing on my face. My heart is racing from my thoughts. I push on focussing more internally.

I occasionally wonder if my foot is going to start hurting but it doesn’t.

1/2 a mile to go. I stop to walk. The wind is too much. I am cross with myself and then I realise it doesn’t matter. I am just out to clear my head. That thought allows me to start running again.

I round the corner to my house and sprint to get that last boost.

I feel that sense of achievement of having had a run again. Things have made more sense and I start my day knowing I will have all the energy I need to get through it. All the energy I need to have the mood I choose.

This is why I run.

This was all put together for this weeks gallery over at sticky fingers where the subject is "Morning"

What a weekend!

So weekend 8 of 10 of my Cognitive Hypnotherapy course. I’m getting so close to qualification now. Peppa Pig came with me as usual

I went down earlier than usual on Friday so that I could have a session with Trevor. I’ve written about that in other posts but suffice to say my head was reeling somewhat after it. After other sessions I’ve needed processing time – but after this one I needed to work on myself.

Luckily I had arranged to meet Sandra from Thinking Slimmer after. This was good because it allowed me to not become totally absorbed in my inner world. I spent a lovely afternoon and evening with her. We hung out in one of the many cafes in John Lewis and I used the vouchers that I had won quite a while ago now (there is no John Lewis in Dundee) to treat myself to this:

I also had a nice wander through the store. The Lego section is very cool

After a lovely afternoon, Sandra and I headed off to meet Becca. We started with a beer. Peppa Pig joined in again

Then we went to Jamie’s Italian in Canary Wharf. It’s a lovely restaurant with a great atmosphere. I also like the fact that their main course comes in 2 different sizes so you don’t have to be overfaced. I had meatballs with pasta. So did Peppa Pig.

It had too much pepper but otherwise was very tasty. This was the smaller portion and that’s all I managed so plenty of food there.

The weather was lovely over the weekend. It was still a bit nippy on the Saturday but warmed up a lot on the Sunday. I needed lots of thinking time so took every opportunity to enjoy Regent’s Park

Peppa liked it too

I caught the bus from London City airport. Not a cloud in the sky.

I even bumped into Trevor in Starbucks on my way in on Sunday. It was nice to just chat with him and we walked through the park to the college together.

All too soon the weekend was over. It was a really interesting couple of days. We did a neat arm levitation induction thing that was one of the more “hypnosis” type things we’ve done. We also covered anxiety/panic, weight loss and eating disorders. Lots more things to think about in my therapy model.

Only 2 weekends left now. I need to submit my exam this week because if I want to qualify by the end of the course it must be submitted by weekend 9.

The little one had a good weekend too

She potty trained Youjump the panda

She dressed up for cleaning and put her hat on to scare monsters away

And rather loves the bear from the Golden Compass

I was exhausted by the time I got to the airport.

Peppa joined me in London City airport again

With this view of England, it’s no wonder hayfever sufferers are having a hard time is it?

Deep in thought

I know I've been a bit quiet. I will write a post about my weekend in more detail later in the week.

But for now I went to see Trevor for a session on Friday. I didn't think I'd need any more sessions to be honest. I've had 4 since June last year and I've changed so much. Increasingly I have leant on him less and less. I used to mail him all the time to keep me on track. I haven't done that for a couple of months now.

It's interesting. People have expressed concerns about a dependency on Trevor but a good few years ago, when I saw a person centred counsellor almost every week for well over a year, no one expressed concerns about dependency then...

But anyway, it's because I have come so far that I knew I needed to see him again. Because I am so happy with my life now and what I do with it. People have noticed how much more comfortable I seem in my own skin. How much more positive I am. And it's all true. So much has changed that I am barely recognisable to myself...

...and yet.

And yet whilst I am happy enough with what I do, I have continued to hate who I am. I have a voice in my head swearing at me and criticising me all the time. And it was time to get rid of that. That's why I went to see Trevor. Because it doesn't belong with the new version of me but rather than disappearing, it's been getting worse.

Trevor talks about the steps he hopes to take a client through. They start off believing in him, then in both of us, and finally in themselves. As therapists it is our goal to get the client to the self-belief stage so they don't need us any more.

I liken it to jumping a chasm.

At first Trevor takes my hand and we go and look at the chasm, and talk about what is on the other side ( the solution state). This is belief in him.

Then we hold hands and run. He shows me the right pace to run at to have enough momentum to jump and in that run up I begin to believe I can do it. This is belief in both of us.

Then, at just the right moment when I say it's ok, he lets go of my hand and I take the leap. This is belief in myself.

Not all clients will go through all these stages and not all clients will get to the last stage. But this is the goal.

I wanted to leap the chasm but I still didn't know how.

Because I don't believe in myself. I hate myself. Despite all my achievements.

So we talked. And we explored my Subconscious. We tried to find what was causing it. We found the place but I didn't know where it was and what it was all about. But I knew, that if, in that place, I could forgive myself then I could leap that chasm and find true happiness.

That leap didn't happen during the session. Because that is down to me. But I know what I need to do, I just don't know if I can do it - no matter how much I want to...

As I processed that session later in the day, some things became clear to me and I emailed Trevor to let him know. As ever he responded in a way that helped me shift my thinking again. Just a fraction.

There is all out war going on in my head right now. That part of me that wants to leap the chasm and reach that true happiness on the other side, fighting the part of me that I hate so much. So the weekend has been challenging, not because of the course content, but because of the battle going on in my head. I have felt minutes away from meltdown. I have been physically shaking with the exertion of pushing against that resistance to accept that I am anything but useless and crap. At times I have felt the tears trying to escape.

But as I left the course this afternoon, I joined the other people on the course in giving Trevor a goodbye hug. And you know what? That was fine. I was fine. So something has already changed. I'm sure other changes will follow. In time. I will leap that chasm and whilst Trevor is no longer holding my hand, I do know he is there ready to catch me if I need it, and encouraging and cheering me on if I don't.

At this rate, by the time we are a year on from that first session in mid-June last year, I will have found true happiness in all dimensions of my life. You have to admit, that is pretty stunning by any standards isn't it?

 

A chance encounter

The other day I was swimming with the little one at our local gym. As we changed into our costumes we chatted with a lady who looked like she was in her 80’s who was struggling to put on her costume. She made some comment to me about how it was a long time since she last put one on and the little one just went ahead and put hers on to make it worse!

When she eventually came into the pool she seemed to circle nervously and never actually got in. I watched her curiously at the same time as playing the “smelly monster” game with the little one (I’m a smelly monster, speak in a weird voice and chase her)

When we were changing she was too and as I came out of the cubicle after getting changed she started telling me how she’d only learnt to swim a year and a half ago but that she was terrified of the pool. Of not knowing how deep it was. She was afraid of drowning. She told me how it drove her husband mad – he kept telling her to just get on with it. She explained to me how she could do all sorts of things including having recently learnt to play golf and she was so cross at herself for not doing this.

Now in the past I would have smiled and beat a rapid retreat. Not these days though! Now I go into “What’s that about mode” swiftly followed by “I can help!”. I’m become quite a pain about this!

Anyway, I explained to her that it actually wasn’t her fault. That responses like this are driven by our subconscious that is trying to protect us and no amount of logic will make a bit of difference. I asked her if there was a particular event she could remember that started her fear of swimming. She told me all about when she was a child and had been underwater, drowning. Someone had pulled her up by her hair and seeing she was fine had left her to carry on playing.

No wonder she was scared!

I explained that technically she would be insane to want to get into the pool given that experience! Her subconscious has filed that experience under “very unpleasant, never do this again” and for the rest of her life it has been protecting her from getting into a similar situation that puts her at risk. The more she pushes herself, the harder it makes it for her as it tries to protect her.

She processed that information. “That makes sense” she said as I saw a certain amount of relief pass over her face. She clearly was an amazing and determined lady who was achieving many great things and was struggling with how this made her feel.

I explained to her how, if she had a few minutes, I could do something that may help her get over that fear. She had given me enough information to use the phobia technique.

She wasn’t sure. Of course she wasn’t. This was some random encounter in a changing room after all.

“You’re not going to make me get in the water are you?” she asked warily.

“Nope” I replied “I’m not going to make you do anything. If you want to get into the water afterwards that would be your choice entirely”

Because it is natural for someone to expect some sort of radical immersion therapy approach for a problem such as this. But, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll realise that’s not how Cognitive Hypnotherapy works. Most of our interventions are remarkably simple and painless. They can also be very effective very quickly. Explaining this to someone in a gym changing room is not easy!

We agreed that we would bump into each other again and to do nothing there and then. She said she was very interested in me helping her but clearly needed time to process this concept. I really wished I had some sort of business card to hand out. I must get on to that as soon as I get back from this weekend! Because it seems I am having more and more of these encounters. In fact, there was another woman in the changing room who was clearly listening with interest.

Not quite there…

This weekend it is weekend 8 of 10 of my Cognitive Hypnotherapy course and I’ve changed my flights to travel down earlier on Friday so that I can have session with Trevor.

In June it will be a year since I had that first session. We have now had 4 sessions and you’ll have seen from previous posts how much has changed.

And that’s how I know there are still things we need to work on.

Let me put this in perspective for you. I am probably one of the few people in the world who can run the London Marathon as the first ever time running in an organised race – and in fact running with other people around – and feel disappointed in herself. Even I know there is something wrong with not being able to see the achievement in that!

During the training, I needed physiotherapy on an injury. And I couldn’t make myself go and get some. It just sent me into a panic at the thought of it. So clearly, whilst I am so much more comfortable in myself and around others, there is still something that needs sorting here.

And finally, and probably linked to all of the above, I know I have an emotional block around food that I can’t get rid of on my own. I want to continue losing weight on Thinking Slimmer and I have reached a point where my refusal to change what I eat is getting in the way of progress.

At first I was quite excited at the prospect of being able to make another leap and see how different I would be after. I am particularly looking to having a beer or few with Sandra and Becca on Friday evening and celebrating running the marathon. But as we get closer, I get more nervous (as usual) because I know now what I have to do to make this change. And I know it’s not easy and requires a lot from me, under Trevor’s guidance.

So it’s another big week for my head and this personal journey I’m on. But it’s worth it. My life is amazing these days.

My sister

I have a sister. She has 2 kids. The little girl is about 6 months younger than the little one – the little boy a couple of years younger.

I don’t talk about her much. To be honest we are still getting to know each other. Both the hubby and I have a lot of respect for her. She has had a very tough few years. Her pregnancies have not been easy and her relationship with their father even worse. We don’t know much about it because she deals with it on her own with lots of strength. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be for me to share.

Let me tell you why we are just getting to know each other.

She is the daughter of my stepmother and my father.

She was born shortly before my brother and I left to live with my mother and stepfather. She was still a baby when we left home so we knew about her but she never knew about us.

When I went to live with my mother, my father wanted nothing more to do with me. Obviously my stepmother didn’t as she hated us.

I believe my sister only found out she had a brother and sister when she was around 16 and a school friend asked after us. We’d all gone to the same primary school you see.

She went home and asked my father and he confirmed it was the truth. So she was brought up as an only child. She had a very different life to me. It was a happy, well cared for family life. When she was 18 she wrote to me and I immediately wrote back. I met with her not long after.

At that stage her parents had split and she’d been left to fend for herself – having to find somewhere to live and a job to support herself. This was a bit of a shock for her.

It was really difficult for me.

How do you reconcile why you are unloveable but your sister isn’t? How do you not make that about you? Same parents, completely different childhood. We were starved, hit and lived in fear every day. She was fed well, not hit and even had family holidays. 

For many years I searched for answers. What is it about me? My brother would visit my father in later years when we moved to a house only 2 miles away. They would chat. When I tried to visit I was sent away with my tail between my legs. What was it about me? How bad must I be that even as a child I was so difficult to love.

But after seeing Trevor I don’t need answers any more. I am ok with that all now. That in itself is pretty amazing. And it makes my relationship with my sister a lot easier.

I know it has been hard for her. I have shared with her what happened in my childhood, with both sets of parents. I have also made it clear that she has no responsibility in the process because she doesn’t.

My brother and I are both in touch with her these days. I wish I lived closer because I would love to help her out more and I would also love the little one to have a relationship with her cousins. Ironically, my stepmother and mother now live in the same village. It’s still hard to feel any sort of real connection with her but we both work at the relationship and she knows I will always be here for her and the kids. She’s been going it alone for many years now, and doing a great job.

So I don’t talk about her on here much because we don’t have a huge amount of contact but I do occasionally mention her and wanted to share a little bit of our story.

Saturday Snapshots

We’ve had quite a full day today. We started with the cinema, had a run in the park where the little one got knackered before me (woo hoo!) and then went to try a new walk in the hills nearby.

I also gave the little one my old camera that I no longer use. She has one of those kids ones and loves taking photos but the screen is such poor quality she really can’t see what she’s snapping. This is a good camera but she may as well use it instead of it sitting there doing nothing! So some of the photos on here today are taken by her

Camperdown park after the cinema

Getting to grips with her camera

This is the walk in the hills. We went quite high up and had lovely views. The last one is where she went on strike and refused to walk all the way back to the car. Luckily she changed her mind – eventually!

My London Marathon–version for 8 year olds

I was up at my daughter’s school today talking about the Olympics and the London Marathon. Actually  more about the marathon than the Olympics

So I thought I would share with you the story of my London Marathon as driven by questions from 8 year olds. I got quite the grilling from them all which was cool because it showed they were interested. I hope I did what the teacher needed me to do!

1. I ate Jelly Babies along the way that the crowd offered. No I didn’t eat more than 100. It took me seconds to eat them. I only took a couple each time rather than a handful.

2. Yes most of the toilets had long queues of people waiting for them. I didn’t need to go to the toilet. I saw a guy in a Big Ben costume go to the loo on the grass because he couldn’t fit into the portaloos.

3. Yes I drank water and no I don’t like water but you need it to keep your body going. What happens if you don’t? Your body shuts down. When I didn’t drink enough I didn’t have the energy to keep going.

4. There were many people in costumes and I was beaten by a guy with a full sized tiger on his back. No it wasn’t a real tiger (I don’t think so anyway).

5. No I will never do another one. No I have not applied for next year.

6. Yes other sweets were available but Jelly Babies were the best because they sort of dissolve in your mouth.

7. No I didn’t wear a costume – it was a challenge for me just doing it in running gear

8. How far is 0.2 miles? About 2 years and a 1000 ouches…and way further than the 26 miles before it.

9. How long did it take to recover? Well a couple of days. No I couldn’t have a shower because I couldn’t stand up that long.

10. No I didn’t nip into the McDonalds on the route even though I wanted to!

A new dishwasher

My dishwasher broke on Tuesday.

I went to switch it on and the button refused to work.

In fairness it owes us nothing. We brought it with us from our house in Watford and that was about 12 years ago.

So, having heard so many great thing I headed to the Appliances Online website.

I’ve got to say I was impressed with how easy they made it all and within a matter of minutes I’d selected the top energy rated dishwasher, recommended by them, and bought it.

If you choose 2-3 days as the delivery option it’s free. For a little extra they will install the appliance and for a tenner they will remove the old one. Perfect.

So I got all my confirmations for delivery on Thursday.

I got an email and then at least 5 text messages over the next couple of days confirming delivery. On Wednesday I was told between 7am and 11am. On the day of delivery you can look online and get a one hour delivery slot. Mine was for 7-8am and they turned up at about 7:30

I got a voice mail, I got a phone call. So great service but guys, way overkill on the communication! Online tracking did it all for me, I didn’t need multiple texts, a voice mail and phone call!

So the only downside was that I had to disconnect the old one from the electricity and water supply. Now I’m no plumber – so working out which pipe to disconnect was a challenge. One which I failed at as I unscrewed the wrong pipe and water went everywhere (you know like those comedy sketches). I thought for a moment (while the kitchen flooded) then nipped and turned off the water before organising towels to contact the flood and fetching the mop.

As I attempted to sort the flow of water out I noticed the hubby and little one stood in the doorway watching me. Hmmm…

Anyway, I eventually mopped up the flood, screwed the pipe back up and put the water back on.

Then went and thought.

I decided to have another bash but this time get the pipes out at the dishwasher side. So I pulled it out from under the counter, unplugged it and retrieved the plug and then examined the pipes.

One could not be unscrewed at the dishwasher. I tracked it down and found it was the outflow pipe and it was just hanging over into the main outflow rather than attached. So I removed that with only minor flooding.

Next there was the water-in pipe and I could see how that attached to the dishwasher. So after a bit of struggling and the use of a tea towel I removed that. I have no idea why the guys who are installing the dishwasher can’t also remove the old one but hey ho – I did it and a few minutes later the delivery van arrived.

I then got myself ready for the inevitable grumpy uncooperative guys and the litany of things that wouldn’t work.

But they were lovely. Friendly, helpful, efficient. They brought the new dishwasher in with no problems, got it all plugged in, tested to make sure there were no leaks and removed the old one. It took minutes.

I was really impressed with the whole experience and would definitely recommend and use these guys in the future. A very slick experience.

And do you know what? This isn’t even a sponsored post! They are on Twitter too @apponline .