No one was there for me.
Everyone always put themselves first. Is it any surprise I have always believed there is something wrong with me?
Who doesn’t put a child first? Who doesn’t care for, and protect, a child?
But it wasn’t like that was it?
I cared for you. When I was at home you came and hid in my room when you’d had an argument with him. Oh the irony.
I pushed you in your wheelchair, helped you in and out of the car, helped you up and down from your seat, helped you walk. I even lit your cigarettes for you. I did everything.
At night, when the out of hours doctor came because you were so ill, I sat in my room, scared that you would go away. That I would be left with him.
I looked after you. I helped you.
When I left home, I visited often. I visited you. I didn’t want to see him.
I bought you gifts. For a while I sent you money every month.
I did everything I could to make sure you were ok.
I helped you move into your new home when he divorced you.
I kept in touch. I bought you stuff.
I tried to talk to you about what had happened. You offered to go to therapy together. I was already having therapy. Why would I go with you?
You didn’t get it. You didn’t get any of it. You said “It’s not like he raped you or anything”. No, he didn’t rape me. I guess that makes it ok.
I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you again until you could show you understood what had happened.
We didn’t speak again. You didn’t get it. You never cared.
I still thought about you. Worried about you.
Then Adam died. You came to the funeral. The hubby said that earned you the right to be a grandparent to any children we had. You came to the funeral without involving me.
I thought you cared.
We took the little one to visit you.
It still hurt but we never talked about what happened. All the focus was on the little one. She had a good relationship with you and the hubby thought it was good for the little one. So I let it happen. It hurt me that you cared so little about me. It hurt me that you didn’t get it. But I pretended, because my daughter is more important than anything and I wouldn’t let my hurt get in the way of her happiness.
Then I was strong enough and I reported him to the police.
You didn’t cooperate. They struggled to get you to give a statement. When you did, it didn’t corroborate my story. You said again you would do anything. But you didn’t. You did nothing.
When it went to court, you didn’t attend. They said how inconceivable it was that you would not be there to corroborate my story. That must be evidence that I made it up. They couldn’t use your statement because that didn’t corroborate what happened. Better to have the jury believe that I was making it up than prove it using your statement.
I cared. You didn’t.
I cared for you. You didn’t care for me.
And now, now I have disconnected from you, now I have told you that I never want to hear from you again, you still don’t get it. You sneak cards to the little one under different handwriting from a different location.
You have no idea how it feels because I cared for you. You didn’t care for me.
You were the only good thing in my childhood.
Court showed me that my memories of the other stuff were warped. It was worse than I remembered it to be. Who’s to say my memories of our time were also not warped? You clearly didn’t care.
Nobody cared. No one was there for me.
That’s a hard lesson to learn.
You are making sure I really learn it.
I always believed I was broken. I believed that it was because of me that all these things happened. After court I began to let go of that belief. For the first time I began to feel sorry for the child version of me. I began to appreciate my strength in being who I am now despite everything.
It seems I need to also let go of the belief that you loved me.
I made excuses for you in court. Ignoring my express wish to leave me alone leaves me with no more excuses. You simple don’t care about anyone other than yourself.
I’m trying hard not to feel broken again. I’m trying really hard to find something good about me that would explain why you don’t care about my feelings. I’m trying really hard not to use your behaviour as further evidence, to go with all the other stuff, all the other evidence that no one could care for me.
I wanted to believe that you loved me.
I need to let go of that belief. You are making it easier to do that.
Letting go of the belief that there is something wrong with me will take a little longer.