I have had a few clients who have caused me to examine stuff in more detail. Not just stuff about them. But stuff about me too.
I had noticed that those who had experienced violence as a child didn’t blame the violent parent, but rather blamed the other one for not protecting them. Even though it was clear they were subject to the same violence.
I realised why. I realised that if they blamed their abuser then they couldn’t accept any blame themselves. By blaming the non-abusive parent they keep some of the responsibility.
I looked inwards and reflected on this.
At the weekend I heard Trevor Silvester talk again and he shared this Kelly Clarkson video, like he has before. After the last time I used it often when I spoke with kids.
This time I heard things in the song I’d not heard before. I always thought the song was about her dad. It isn’t. It’s about her mum. Here is an extract:
“I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain”
It was quite a revelation.
It made me look inwards again.
And I want to share here what I now realise:
I realise now… that I blamed the wrong person for what happened. That is not to say they were blame-less – but it was merely a deflection.
I realise… no one is to blame. That includes me. Shit happens. It doesn’t always mean anything.
I realise now… that my lack of anger towards him is not healthy. It is not right. I’m working on that. It’s quite a shift. It’s also quite scary. But they say you can’t stop energy, you can merely transform it. So I need to redirect it.
I realise now…I can let go. I know I don’t need to forgive. Forgiving is, in my opinion, an emotionally loaded action. I do need to let go. Of blame. Of that small part of me that remains that believes it happened to me because of me, and not because shit happens and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I realise now…it’s my choice. I can allow people to have power over the way I feel or I can create a surface that their stuff can’t stick to. I just need to think of the little one giggling. That deflects anything negative in an instant.
I realise now…I am lucky. I have had a chance to learn so much and those lessons mean I can help others. Not because I can relate to what they’ve been through – but because I know I don’t have to. Each experience is unique to us. Our thoughts define our experience. I know I can change my thoughts and change my experience, which means I also know I can help my clients to do the same. I just need to work out how.
I realise now…how far I have come. I know what’s possible. I also know how far I still have to go. My moods can swing in a moment from elation to feeling like I’m failing at everything. It passes quickly, but I still take too much on board. I tell myself that one day I will be free of being a screwed up person, but I’m not so sure.
I hope I never lose sight of how lucky I am.
I hope I never lose my passion for helping others become free.
I hope I never lose that belief that anything is possible.
I hope I never lose sight of the fact that we are all in a work in progress, so it doesn’t mean anything when I need to seek help. I think we all do sometimes – and that’s ok.